Looking For a Healthy Bread With Which to Symbolize the Debasement That Will Inevitably Result From Your Spiritual Divorce From the God of Israel?

ezekiel bread


by Evan Kingston


Looking for a healthy bread with which to symbolize the debasement that will inevitably result from your spiritual divorce from the God of Israel? Have I got the loaf for you!

Hi, I’m Ezekiel ben-Buzi. You might remember me from such books of the Hebrew Bible as The Book of Ezekiel and 4 Maccabees.

If you aren’t familiar with the Holy Hebrew Scriptures, you probably at least know my work from that classic Pulp Fiction scene, where Sam Jackson is about to murder that squirmy guy in the apartment, but he draws it out, saying, “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.” That’s me, prophesizing the word of God in the 17th verse of the 25 chapter of my book, “And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!”

And if you are that type of person who isn’t familiar with the words of Our Lord’s holy prophets —And in this fast-paced, express-lane age we find ourselves in, who has the time to read a chapter, much less a whole book?—then I want to tell you about a convenient new product from the Food For Life Corporation, available right now, pre-sliced, in your grocer’s freezer.

When God first struck me dumb with visions and commissioned me to upbraid my people for their lack of fidelity to His covenant with their ancestor Abraham, He gave me detailed instructions for ritual acts and meals that would symbolize the coming destruction in their lives. Despite me following God’s recipes to the letter, my fellow Israelites were every bit as rebellious and stiffhearted as He warned they would be; they continued to worship the idols of foreign nations until Jerusalem was sacked and the first temple was raised. Many men, women, and children were murdered in the streets, and even more starved to death during the deportation to Babylon that followed—but their loss is your gain, because now I’m passing this great recipe on to you!

Ezekiel 4:9 Bread is made in strict accordance with the Holy Scripture in which God commanded me to, “Take also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentils and millet, and spelt and put them in one vessel, and make bread of it…”, hoping it would demonstrate the meager mix of unmilled grains that we would be forced to subsist on while being enslaved by Nebuchadnezzar and robbed of our culture. In God’s initial instructions, I was to eat the coarse loaves while lying on my left side for 390 days, symbolically taking on all the sins of Israel—but I hear it is also quite good enjoyed in front of the Dr. Oz show with coconut oil and manuka honey.

Can you think of a more nutritious way to grow accustomed to the wages of your sin? A more convenient product with which to symbolize the moral ignorance inherent in your superficial, consumerist lifestyle? I sure can’t!

Now, by this point, those of few of you who are familiar with scripture are probably saying, “Hey Ezekiel—thanks for making this bread! My certainty in God’s coming vengeance has felt like an awful weight in my gut for years, and now there’s finally a product that I can recommend to friends and family so they can share in my distress. But what about Ezekiel 4:12, where God instructs you, in order to really emulate the deprivations to come, to ‘bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel’?”

Well, I’m embarrassed to say that we are currently unable to live up to this part of the recipe and, instead, cook all the loaves in electric ovens; we hope, one day, to produce a completely excrement-baked bread but we have, as of yet, been unable to secure a viable source of human dung produced in compliance with our organic, fair-trade standards.

So, if you’ve been cavorting with the gods of diverse nations as freely as a paint-faced whore taking men in off the street, give Ezekiel 4:9 Bread a try. I prophesize you’ll love it until the very end!
photo credit: Ezekiel toast slathered with butter and honey. via photopin (license)

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